The Mucked-Up Sink of Resentment
When traveling, there is often a feeling of excitement and adventure but also, feelings of trepidation and anxiety. For me these feelings subside once I am on the plane and committed to the adventure, excited and curious about what we will explore. This year we traveled to Ireland, staying in five different castles and exploring other ancient castles and ruins along the way.
I didn’t really expect the exploration to also be an inner one. Although I did state my intentions while in Ireland were to relinquish old behaviors that were harming my mental, emotional and physical bodies. I wanted to rest and come home refreshed. Well, be careful…. Right?
The second day when jet lag was in full-force I became triggered by an insignificant statement made by my spouse, my partner in travel and all things lovely and magical.
I shut down and began to seethe. We were in an Irish pub, listening to live Irish music and all I could do was go deeper into my inner landscape where betrayal, judgement and resentment had pooled and built up like a sink that doesn’t drain. I had simply ignored the stench and yuck floating in it.
Susan and Kevin, traveling in Ireland. April 2023.
My unmet expectations and unheard conversations, all of which I came to recognize took place only in my head, were weighted down with tons of assumptions in the undrained sink of my imagination. My resentment over those unmet assumptions finally exploded.
I fumed and unleashed my fury. I went over my unspoken list of resentments adding more minor irritations to give the resentment more weight. During the night, unable to forgive my spouse, I somehow heard a small voice within me point out that my pain and suffering was self-induced. I was the recipient of my rage, resentment and expectations. ME!?!
My fuming, fury and disappointment was circulating in that stopped up sink of old muck and behavior. It had nothing to do with the loving man gently snoring next to me and sleeping soundly as if nothing had happened. I was the only one suffering here in the dark in a beautiful Irish castle. Say what!?
Slowly as dawn approached outside, I began to remember/realize that my emotions and reactions were of my own making. That was what I truly wanted to relinquish. My resentments of any slight that had befallen me, large or small was what had stopped up my inner flow. They circled the drain gathering more muck to make it seem real, truthful, justified. Resentments and unmet expectations were what I needed to relinquish so that my inner flow and peace could be cleansed and purified.
The reset I was seeking was to be aligned with the Source of my being, in love and light. To no longer struggle with the past inflammation and pain. I began to realize that this blockage was of my own doing and only I could release the pain and move into a new awareness. This is the suffering the Buddha spoke about. It was up to me to recognize my own harmful thinking and reactions and take responsibility for them. No one had really harmed me. I had done it all by myself and suffered a horrible night of inner darkness.
I relinquish the past, the resentments and unmet expectations of my life.
I cleanse the old from my mind and heart. I move forward with love and excitement for the new me.
The new day brought spontaneous journeys down narrow roads to other castles and rocks in beautiful towns where people greet you with a “Ta” and “Good Day!” And of course there was a Dingle gin and tonic at the end of the day in a quaint pub somewhere.
I have returned cleansed by the wind at the Cliffs of Mohr and refreshed by the simple beauty of the Irish countryside. And Irish whiskey along the way to ease the nerves after a day of driving on the left side. Slante !
Susan